Half a century of devoted love is more common than I thought.
As my parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this week, I thrill in the rarity of such lasting love and inquire further about what it takes to truly enjoy life together for more than half a century. But according to my findings on Google, on average, the typical American marriage that ends in divorce lasts only eight years. And only six percent of marriages make it to the 50 year mark.
“Only six percent of marriages make it to 50 years.”
Wow. That static is both shocking and sad. But thankfully, it doesn't take more than a quick look at my circle of family and close friends to see a very different picture. In the first 30 seconds of thinking about it I can list more than 10 couples who've been married for 50 years or more. I can't help but wonder how many more I know... so I make a list.
I begin with my parents and almost all of my aunts and uncles, then consider childhood friends and all of their parents. So many of my friends from childhood have parents celebrating 50 years of marriage either last year, this year or next year -- just like my own parents. Within minutes, my list is long but I know there are more.
Who would know better than my parents? So I give them a call. With Mom and Dad on speakerphone together (as is their normal - they love to do everything together) we walk through memory lane of one couple after the other and I write down each name. Most of them I know -- since I was a child. A few are new friends to my parents, and I write them down also.
And then... something amazing starts to form. In less than an hour of pondering it, we came up with 74 couples (148 people) who've been married for about 50 years or more. I did include a few who are probably in their 48th year or so, but for my intention two years is well worth being included.
“In less than an hour, we came up with 148 people we know personally who've been married for 50 years or more!”
This is far more than 6 percent. It's actually the majority of our closest friends and family. More than 90 percent of my closest friends and family (who are 70 years old or older) are still married to the person they've loved since their youth. This seems to flip the average statistic on its head. In my circle, staying married for a lifetime isn't rare, it's normal.
“In my circle, staying married for a lifetime isn't rare, it's normal.”
Because I (or my parents) know each of the people on this list, we can confirm that the far majority of the people in these marriages (as best we can tell) aren't just together, they're in love. They're not just "toughing it out", they're genuinely enjoying life together. I'm not saying they don't have disagreements or hard days, of course they do, they're human. We all have those days. But overall, they consider their spouse their best friend. The one person they'd rather be with and do things together than anyone else in the world. So why is my circle so different than the average?
What Do All These Long-lasting Marriages Have in Common?
When I search online for general reasons why people stay married for 50 years or more, I see answers like, "We grew up in an era when if something broke (your house, car, or marriage), you didn't throw it away, you fixed it." While this is beautiful and so true (as we live in a very disposable world today), it doesn't account for the numbers. There are plenty of people alive today who grew up that way, yet the majority of them are divorced.
So I asked my parents, "What do all these long-lasting marriages have in common?" Without even pausing, they said, "They're Christians". As I looked over the list, I realized that the far majority (perhaps more than 90 percent of them) are all born-again Christians. Certainly there are long-lasting marriages across the world who aren't Christians, but in my circle being born-again is the strongest, undeniable commonality.
What's The Secret?
After interviewing several couples from my list, I concluded that the secrets to more than 50 years of a joyful marriage are based on two main reasons: God and commitment.
Just as my parents answered, many others said the same thing also. Of the couples I interviewed, the first thing most of them said about their secret to a long and happy marriage, is, "It's all about God."
“It's all about God.”
Many told me that their commitment to God came first -- usually years before meeting their spouse. When the two of them met, they already shared an eternal perspective -- one with an unshakable foundation. What better way to begin any relationship -- than on a firm foundation?
With a Godly, eternal perspective everything else either falls into place or becomes not as important with the bigger picture in mind. This allows for like-minded values and decisions -- even through all the ups, downs, along with the changes and challenges of life.
Through their individual relationship with God first, they each already had an example of how God designed marriage and love... as husband and wife and with unconditional love. Thankfully, the Bible is full of examples and blueprints for a God-centered, loving and long-lasting marriage.
When we put God first in our individual lives, then our spouse benefits from that as well.
“Commitment is key.”
Beyond God first, the second thing most couples mention as being key to a happy 50-year marriage is "commitment".
Once God is an established part of an individual's life, then lifelong commitment is already a part of their life as well. This makes a lifelong commitment to a spouse a natural decision.
Anyone who is born-again in Christ has done several things: they've humbly acknowledged that they're not perfect (and they recognize their spouse will be flawed as well). They've also dedicated their life to God. Not just a casual, "I'll do this for a summer", or "until I find something better", or a facade of "I'll attend church every Sunday". Instead, they sincerely know Jesus as their personal Savior and they actively work toward nurturing that lifelong relationship.
With that already established, they understand lifelong commitment, and what it means through good -- and especially during challenging -- times. A personal relationship with God changes a person's perspective and heart.
The closer we are to God and the more we work on that relationship, the stronger our marriage can become (especially if the spouse is doing it too). Personally, I think of marriage like a triangle, with a line between each person and God, and a third line connecting each other (in marriage). As the line between each person and God gets closer, the tighter (and stronger) the marriage can become.
What About Love?
Love is also mentioned by these couples, yet not in the way that the world understands the word "love". To a Christian, love is all about God's kind of love.
Love isn't a feeling or something you can "fall out of". Love is all-encompassing and unconditional. To know unconditional love we must put commitment into practice.
When someone is committed to another, they're all-in, ready to celebrate the victories in life together, but they're also ready and willing to carry the other along the trials of this journey as well.
Thankfully, God shows is the blueprints for true, unconditional love as well.
They Become One
Instead of thinking of marriage as a 50/50 split, or even being 100/100 involved, that's not how God intended this sacred relationship. God's intention for a husband and wife is to become one. We are no longer two people living separate lives but now under one roof. Instead, becoming one allows every intricacy of each part of you to be part of the other just as much. This intricate weaving is more than synchronized schedules, or intimate hearts, but a deep abiding love that knits the two closer together through each up and down of life. To become one isn't to give up your individuality but to gain a whole that you didn't know you needed. The two are not complete without the other. And neither is complete without God.
The Next Generation... 20 years and counting!
As I made my list and interviewed couples, my curiosity expanded to include the next generation -- their children. Among my peers there are many of us enjoying more than 20 years of marriage. After more interviews (among this younger crowd of happily married couples), the above reasons were still the most prevalent in my circle of friends and family: God and commitment... followed by unconditional love. Although not all have mastered the art of "becoming one", but from an outsiders perspective (as best I can tell), those who regularly practice the art of oneness seem to be more content and remain happier as a couple in general.
Among this group, there were ideas about the 20th year being a pivoting point... that most couples who make it into their 20+ years of marriage, they're far less likely to divorce. With the basis of both God and commitment, these two keys nurture things like communication, grace, and forgiveness.
After 20 years in a happy marriage, each person has likely learned to communicate with their spouse. No only with their words, but knowing their spouse (and themselves) enough to communicate in tone and inflection that better serves each of them toward their shared goal -- of a God-centered, happy marriage.
The gifts of grace and forgiveness often come from observing and learning more about ourselves. The more flawed we realize we are, the more forgiveness we tend to give others -- because we know we'll be asking for grace the next time we do something wrong, too. And all of this returns us full circle back to God... and why we need Him (because we're all sinners and need a personal Savior). This is the happy circle of unconditional love that we can bestow upon others as well. It's all about God. Commitment, love and all other joys come from the original source and creator of all good things... God.
Nearly a Quarter Century and Counting
Just as those who've come as beautiful examples before us, my husband, Todd, and I will be celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary this year (in 2020) and we're grateful that we each have God at the center of our lives. Putting God first, allows our spouse to know even more of God's unconditional love. We pray we're examples for the generations to follow as well, and that many more can know the joys of a God-blessed lifelong marriage.
Here's Our List
Here's my list of people that I know who've been married for 50 years or more. If you recognize yourself on here, Congratulations!! I may not know the exact date of your anniversary, so if I'm off by a year or so, and you'd like it corrected just let me know!
Congratulations to 50 years of marriage (or more!)
Names # of Years Married
1. Andre & Samantha R. 61
2. Andrew & Solina R. 50
3. Anton & Helen J. 58
4. Art & Velma S. 55
5. Ben & Gail C. 56
6. Bill & Diane B. 52
7. Bill & Marilyn W. 54
8. Bob & Kathy C. 50
9. Bob & Doreen H. 58
10. Bob & Janice H. 53
11. Bud & Penny W. 53
12. Charlie & Ann R. 48
13. Chuck & Donna S. 48
14. Chuck & June S. 62
15. Craig & Carolyn K. 51
16. Craig & Gail M. 48
17. Dan & Marilyn J. 48
18. Daryl & Judy L. 49
19. Dave & Beverly V. 50
20. David & Mary M. 50
21. Dennis & Marlene H. 48
22. Dennis & Shirley W. 58
23. Dick & Wilma D. 62
24. Doug & Kathy H. 50
25. Ed & Pat M. 51
26. Frank & Patti C. 50
27. Frank & Rosemary L. 48
28. Fred & Carolyn J. 58
29. Gene & Naomi H. 51
30. Gerald & Lorelle H. 68
31. Gerry & Donna V. 48
32. Gordon & Betty Ann H. 62
33. Gordon & Marge M. 64
34. Harvey & Dorothy A. 64
35. Howard & Joanne M. 68
36. Ira & Betty H. 51
37. Jacob & Jewell F. 57
38. Jerry & Eloise M. 49
39. Jim & Cathy G. 53
40. Jim & Joan S. 48
41. Jim & Myong D. 48
42. Jim & Rose K. 49
43. Jim & Ruth P. 56
44. Jim & Sandra E. 48
45. Jim & Teresa G. 50
46. Ken & Gay G. 54
47. Ken & Patsy B. 54
48. Ken & Ruth P. 69
49. Ken & Shirley C. 50
50. Kirby & Shirley B. 51
51. Larry & Cindi S. 50
52. Larry & Eileen S. 55
53. Leo & Delorous B. 59
54. Lloyd & Marty L. 52
55. Lonnie & Ginny S. 51
56. Mark & Vicki H. 50
57. Mike & Deb C. 49
58. Paul & Carol M. 50
59. Paul & Peggy S. 50
60. Phil & Gwen L. 60
61. Ralph & Sandi W. 55
62. Ray & Joanna P. 65
63. Rex & Barb W. 60
64. Rex & Mai D. 53
65. Ric & Melode H. 47
66. Roger & Kathy C. 50
67. Rudy & Marilyn R. 54
68. Skip & Teddy J. 48
69. Steve & Bev S. 48
70. Tia & Carol L. 48
71. Tim & Kris W. 50
72. Todd & Tonya S. 56
73. Wayne & Irma G. 58
74. Wilbur & Connie S. 51
Do You Know a Couple You'd Like To Add?
Fantastic! I'd love to celebrate with you in their beautiful journey. Message me their names and the approximate number of years they've been married. Thanks!
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